Zodiac Male NEED to know :::

Aries Male 101


Aries (3/21 - 4/20): There is a reason why this sign is considered the child of the zodiac...and most men born under this sign will behave like children. Keeping in mind that Aries is a cardinal sign AND a fire element it is not surprising that this man can try the patience of a lot of women. If you happen to like your men on the immature side and don't mind indulging in their constant "look at me" behavior, then you will get along fabulously with your little he-sheep. The perk of being with an Aries man is that life will never be dull. They need constant stimulation, mentally and physically, or they will sulk and become morose. Luckily, they aren't very difficult to entice into an adventure and you'll enjoy it every bit as much as they do. Just remember that acknowledgement of their enjoyment is more important than yours.

Aries Prayer: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb? "Just one. You want to make something of it?"

Aries Daily Affirmation: "I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws."

What an Aries says after sex: "Okay, let's do it again."

How to Bag & Tag

Coo over him and make a big fuss. Show him all of your bright, shiny interesting gadgets and then try not to lose your temper if he happens to take one apart and loses interest before he puts it back together again. Don't even hint that the world doesn't revolve around him.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Be a mouse grabber. Never follow their lead. Keep a steady dialogue with all of your exes. Fool with their hair after they just fixed it. Forget their birthday. Try to order them around.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

You find yourself alone, standing amidst blowing dust and flecks, strips of black tire tracks, heavy gasoline fumes, and very little else. Slowly, slowly, the sound of the roaring engine recedes, thundering silence taking its place.

Taurus 101


Taurus (4/21 - 5/21): The symbolic figure of this astrological sign is the bull...probably because the Democrats had already taken the donkey. A Tauren is simply put the most stubborn and pigheaded male in the entire zodiac. The more you push, the deeper he will dig in those hooves and nothing you can do will change his mind...except for feminine charm. Taurens are suckers for creature comforts...whether it's food, a cozy home or an enveloping hug. They are generally good-natured, sentimental at heart and prone to romantic gestures once their needs have been met.

A Tauren's Prayer: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

How many Taurens does it take to change a light bulb? One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

A Tauren's Daily Affirmation: "Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot."

What a Tauren says after sex: "I'm hungry - pass the pizza."

How to Bag & Tag

Feed him a home-cooked meal, tuck him into a warm cozy bed and assure him that he is completely in charge and doesn't have to go to sleep if he doesn't want to. You just wanted him to be comfortable.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Acquire some credit cards by placing their name first on the application. Don't tell. Sit in their chair. Hide/eat all the sweets in the house. Insist on joint accounts. Refuse to sign a prenup.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

You offer extravagant food, they say they've lost their appetite and when you turn away from them in bed, they just turn away from you in the opposite direction (instead of poking you with their horns). Taurus: Either they're all over you, or they're gone.



Gemini Male 101


Gemini (5/22 - 6/21): Meet the zodiac's original multi-tasker. He can bury his nose in the computer so deeply that you would swear he didn't hear a word you just said. Do yourself a favor and don't challenge him though...it's insulting. Not only has he heard everything you have said, he's also processed it in his usual rational manner and has come up with a solution to your problem...even if you were just commenting on the weather. Unfortunately, unless you are a completely rational woman (and let's face it...not many are), his advice will usually fall far short of the mark of what you consider to be normal for most humans. But understand...this man isn't really human...he's more of a machine.

A Gemini's Prayer: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

How many Geminis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

A Gemini's Daily Affirmation: "I am at one with my duality."

What a Gemini says after sex: "Have you seen the TV remote?"

How to Bag & Tag

This man will fall for a human puzzle...so be enigmatic. He's not threatened in the least by your intelligence, so don't be afraid to use it. Ignoring him will also work as he really hates to be ignored

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Don't let them get a word in edgewise. Regarding gossip, make it clear that you are "above it all." Be Possessive. Get call waiting and put them on hold. Avoid sexual experimenting.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

You hear it from a friend who heard it from another, who over-heard it from a third (who, not realizing that he/she was on speaker phone), discussed his/her opinion on the latest gossip which he/she picked up vis-a-vis the MMORG you used to play together.


Cancer Male 101


Cancer (6/22 - 7/21): And now we bump right into our first truly emotional sign. Oh sure, he has you fooled doesn't he? There is no way this man could be all smooshy deep down because he's downright sarcastic and cantankerous, right? Wrong. He's so squishy inside that he has to wear that nearly impenetrable shell to keep people from taking advantage of his tender bits. A Cancerian male loves food and usually you'll find him in the kitchen or at the very least knowing the best places to dine. Unfortunately, being a Cancerian male also increases the likelihood of him being a mama's boy. Unless his mother was somebody like Lizzie Borden, you'll never be half the woman that his sainted mother is or was. Don't even try to argue with him on this point...because if it's a choice between you and Mom...you might be packing your toothbrush.

A Cancerian's Prayer: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

How many Cancerians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

A Cancerian's Daily Affirmation: "I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain."

What a Cancerian says after sex: "When are we getting married?"

How to Bag & Tag

Show him your photo album or year book...or even better, let him show you his. Then if it seems to be working...invite his mother to have dinner with the two of you. You'll never get rid of him if you follow this advice, so be careful. Cancerians can be rather clingy and are apt to stalk you.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Be rude to their mother's face. Never laugh. Insist on having it done your way in the kitchen. Be moodier than they are. Sabotage their family reunion. Chip away at their nest egg.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

You become a strict vegan, and they say nothing about it. Weeks later you cut yourself badly while cooking your own veggie plate dinner. When you cry out and show them jets of blood, they look up from their call with mom just long enough to say "Oh. Bummer".


Leo Male 101


Leo (7/22 - 8/22): Just as the lion is the king of the jungle, so Leo is the benevolent ruler of the zodiac. Like the Tauren, Leo men tend to be big ol' teddy bears when content. When they aren't content, be prepared for a lot of moping and wounded looks that will make you feel guilty as hell. Leos love to spoil their women, even more than they love to spoil themselves...which is saying a lot. Leos love the finer things in life and will only want the best. They love to be the center of attention and will literally and figuratively always be found basking proudly in the limelight of their success. However, keep in mind that their display of ego is usually well-earned.

A Leo's Prayer: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

A Leo's Daily Affirmation: I say nice things about myself. I do nice things for myself. I find someone to buy me nice things.

What a Leo says after sex: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

How to Bag & Tag

Act helpless and damsel-like. Leo men love to feel needed...it makes them feel all heroic and masculine. Once "rescued"...be prepared to show some gratitude. Luckily, Leo men are very easy to please. Stroke their ego, reassure them that you could not imagine the world without their presence and you'll have him purring in no time at all.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Laugh at them instead of with them. Yawn when they are talking (don't cover your mouth.) Criticize their hair, then say you are only kidding. Remove all the mirrors. Majorly outshine them.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

They perform a colorful skit for you wherein they portray themselves as the hero/ine who tried, and failed, to ‘make it work' . They then flounce off with several of their long time admirers from the audience, leaving you clapping as they go.


Virgo Male 101



Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): If you long for a life where everything is organized, then a Virgo man is tailor made for you. Virgo men value consistency above all else and will have a contingency plan for any event. Check their cupboards or medicine cabinets if you doubt me. Unfortunately, sometimes their nit-picky ways can be rather aggravating to some women. He won't understand why you are upset and trying to explain it to him will be met with a rather perplexed look. Obviously you are having one of your irrational womanly type moments. This sign also has more than its fair share of hypochondriacs and pessimists...so beware.

A Virgo's Prayer: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

A Virgo's Daily Affirmation: "I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me."

What a Virgo says after sex: "I need to wash the sheets."

How to Bag & Tag

Chasteness and helpless disorganization. Virgo men don't usually go for the promiscuous type of women because they prefer quality over quantity. Ask them for advice on how to get more control of your life, your finances, your stock portfolio, your car's engine performance, the best cough medicine to use and then listen attentively. Whatever you do...do not ask for help with anything that is emotionally messy. He'll run...possibly in a state of complete panic.

How to Get Rid of Him

Criticize them. Be extremely vague. Continue to have sex, but don't let them satisfy you. Blow your nose often, scattering used tissues all around the house. Call them at their job to chat.

Signs You've Been Dumped

They drive you to a new apartment, give you the key. Inside you find it post-it notes stuck on every mirror, cabinet and appliance, each containing mind numbingly detailed details; recommendations on your life. When you glance out the window they're gone



Libra Male 101


Libra (9/23 - 10/22): Balance and harmony are what Libra men are all about. They appreciate beautiful things and while that might sound intimidating, understand that they don't always subscribe to the popular idea of beauty. In their opinion, only they can fairly judge what is beautiful and what is not. Libra men thrive in peaceful environments, so if you are a shrew...forget it. Nothing will turn off this man quicker than a woman screeching in his ear or nagging about what is to him an inconsequential matter. Libra men are great at rationalizing everything...even your emotions, which might actually cause you to scream...but don't. Libra men are notorious for being fickle, possibly an unavoidable side effect of their natural charm and charisma.

A Libran's Prayer: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

A Libran's Daily Affirmation: "To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting."

What a Libran says after sex: "I liked it if you liked it."

How to Bag & Tag

Ask him out. No other sign appreciates a direct approach more than a Libra. But beware...if you ask him out to dinner and the meal sucks, he'll point out that it was your choice. Don't be offended...he can't help himself. Besides, he'll say it with one of those patented charming smiles on his face and you'll forgive him.

How to Get Rid of HIm (Loonsounds)

On your paired outings, gawk at other babes/dudes. Rant when they talk about their exes. Women: fart and belch a lot. Men: Scatter your soiled tighty whiteys (inside out) & miss the toilet

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

They pen you a lovely thank you/apology note on their personal monogrammed stationary about all of the beautiful times they had with you ‘back iin the day.' It will arrive in your mailbox two days after they moved out, tucked into their wedding invitation.


Scorpio Male 101


Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21): Everyone has heard something about the sexual mystique of this astrological sign. It's true. Scorpio men are passionate to the point of excess...in everything they do. However, unlike other signs, they have an unnerving amount of self-control over their passions...which is probably what makes them so attractive. Scorpio men are ego personified. They feel they are superior and in some cases this might be justified, hence they usually can be seen with a rather smug, amused look on their faces and a bit of a strut to their walk. Never toy with a Scorpio...ever. Not only will you lose, but you'll probably need a fire extinguisher to put out the flames that just engulfed your ass. However, if you like to play with fire...as I do...a Scorpio man can be very challenging and fun.

A Scorpio's Prayer: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

A Scorpio's Daily Affirmation: "I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia."

What a Scorpio says after sex: "Perhaps I should untie you now."

How to Bag & Tag

Throw down the gauntlet. Scorpios love a challenge. Once you have managed to catch his attention, make him chase you around a bit before letting him win. I don't mean running around the coffee table a few times...even though later he might enjoy that, I mean mentally and emotionally...allow him to think he is manipulating everything to get closer to you. He doesn't ever need to know that he's walked right into your trap. Trust me...it's one secret you want to keep to yourself. Scorpios can get downright nasty when they find out that it wasn't them pulling the strings.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Stop hiding things. Tell them you are renouncing sex for Lent or call them by the wrong name during sex. Make unilateral decisions on everything. Always be late. And you drive. Period.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

You come home and your keys don’t work. When you try to break in the police come and arrest you for violation of a restraining order you didn’t know existed. From jail you receive an autographed copy of their new scandalous publication namely, The Unauthorized Biography of You.


Sagittarius Male 101


Sagittarius (11/23 – 12/21): If there was ever a knight in shining armor in the zodiac, Sagittarius would be it. Unfortunately, they’re more like Don Quixote than Sir Lancelot. They pick the strangest causes…usually the lost ones…to fight for. Sagittarian men are brutally honest. If they tell you that you need to lose a few pounds because you are starting to look like a heifer, they will be completely baffled about why you are offended. It’s just the truth…geesh. You can usually recognize a Sagittarian male by the fact that he usually has at least one foot stuffed into his mouth at all times. However, on the flip side…there is a lot to be said for honesty. They just don’t understand the word tact.

A Sagittarian’s Prayer: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb? The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

A Sagittarian’s Daily Affirmation: “I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.”

What a Sagittarian says after sex: “Don't call me - I'll call you.”

How to Bag & Tag

Be smart and give him lots of room. Sagittarian men need lots of space to explore and feed their endless curiosity. Don’t be jealous of his natural tendency to talk to complete strangers…everybody interests him. Once he’s realized that you aren’t going to hobble him, he’ll hand you his leash…albeit a very long leash.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Cry whenever they are painfully honest. Threaten suicide on their cell while they are overseas. Take the only vehicle, then stay out all night. Hide their keys. Make them to-do lists

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

You no longer fit into your own bed because they let all their dogs growl and snap at you when you try to sneak in. Later when you ‘mistakenly’ glance in their suitcase, you see a 12 pack of condoms (you don’t use them) and the book:Breaking Up for Dummies..


Capricorn Male 101


Capricorn (12/22 – 1/20): Once again we have a man that prefers quality over quantity. There will be women he may toy with, but there is a difference between those women and the one he will introduce to his family and friends. Image is everything to the Capricorn man. He considers himself upwardly mobile…socially, financially, emotionally. He will never tolerate a woman that drags him down. On the outside, he may appear a taciturn loner…but that is only because he is always aware of his responsibilities and takes them seriously. But get past that façade and you’ll find a man who has some amazing dreams. The difference between Capricorn men and other men is that he usually finds a way to make those dreams a reality through hard work and determination. It takes a lot to deter a Capricorn from his course of action, but once he makes that decision it’s an abrupt one and there’s never any turning back.

A Capricorn’s Prayer: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway

How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

A Capricorn’s Daily Affirmation: “I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.”

What a Capricorn says after sex: “Do you have a business card?”

How to Bag & Tag

The goat is tricky to catch simply because he is so careful about his choices. You can’t really fool him by being something you are not for as long as it will take to convince him to take a chance. I will say this though, if you come across as being equally choosy, have a good dose of healthy self-respect and take pride in your appearance…a Capricorn just might decide to put you through your paces to see if you measure up. You can’t really fault them for this though…they truly do have a lot to offer a woman.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Do everything to excess. Hang all over them in public. Get drunk at their office party, and make out with their colleague’s spouse. Stop strangers with strollers to drool over the babies.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

Instead of splitting the check at your birthday celebration as usual, they lay it all on you, along with a ‘what’s yours what’s mine’ check list, and copies in triplicate of all the prenuptial agreements, attorneys documents, and zero balance savings.


Aquarius Male 101


Aquarius (1/21 – 2/19): Aquarians are naturally friendly and consider everyone to be their buddy, their pal or their mate. They have a tough time getting truly serious about any one woman and when they do, it is a rather threatening feeling. They’re natural dawdlers when it comes to declaring their intentions…usually. It’s not that they want to lose you…they are just rather uncomfortable with deep emotions. They prefer to keep things light and easy.

An Aquarian’s Prayer: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

An Aquarian’s Daily Affirmation: “In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.”

What an Aquarian says after sex: “Now let's try it with our clothes off!”

How to Bag & Tag

Keep secrets. If you are one of those overly-chatty types that divulge everything about yourself in the first fifteen minutes, you won’t stand a chance. You’ll notice a strong reaction to your mysterious behavior and while it’s not what you expected, it’s a sign that you are succeeding. Aquarian men get downright cantankerous when they can’t solve a puzzle. They’ll turn their back on you and walk off in a huff…and then their curiosity gets the better of them and they’ll be back trying to pry those secrets out of you. Give them plenty of rope and just allow them to gradually hang themselves.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Loudly oppose their latest cause. Initiate daily heart to heart chats about your personal feelings and moods. Tell them what to wear. Reiterate: “Baby, it’s me and you against the world.”

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

What makes you think you were ever paired up with Aquarius to begin with? What happens when you hold a magnifying glass over a hologram or view it through a telescope? What about a reflection of a rainbow as seen in a mirror?


Pisces Male 101



Pisces (2/20 – 3/20): More moody than a Cancerian and with less control than a Scorpio…we come to the old man of the zodiac, Pisces. Unfortunately, their experiences in life heavily influence their outlook. If the world has been kind to them and they’ve found a measure of success, then you will know immediately by their tendency toward a cheerfully dreamy disposition heavily laced with optimism and romance. Beware the Pisces that has suffered miserably. If you want that experience, just tie a boulder around your neck and jump off the nearest bridge. Otherwise, Pisces men are very compassionate and tender souls.

A Piscean’s Prayer: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

A Piscean’s Daily Affirmation: “As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.”

What a Piscean says after sex: “What did you say your name was?”

How to Bag & Tag

Show you care. Hold their hand and indulge in all the silly little romantic gestures you want. They love that kind of thing. Listen to them. Keep a well-stocked bar and buy tissue in bulk.

How to Get Rid of Him (Loonsounds)

Quit drinking (or at least, quit drinking with them). Overuse the word budget. Make them give you every detail of their day. Share athletes foot. Go #2 while they are trapped in the bathtub.

Signs You've Been Dumped (Loonsounds)

You’re confused. They just went ‘poof.’ . Slowly you convince yourself that he/she is sick/ maimed/dead. Longing for closure, you launch a global search. Truth be told, they’re only drunk (again) and getting laid (again), this time on some garden rooftop uptown.


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you left out pisces

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